It suddenly feels like I'm sliding to a stop in a train car that was speeding so fast down a hill. It's like all I really cared about was how fast I was going at the time and forgot that, "Hey, wake up. You're going to stop sooner or later so your problems are still there just still at the top of the hill." So I'm starting my long trek back up to the top, where all my problems are, because all there is at the bottom of the hill is empty space. A bottomless gorge so the only way to go is back up.
I feel like I'm losing friends faster than I can find out why. Like I'm getting more problems before I can fix what I already messed up... I want to just crawl into a hole and sleep for days. The way I feel right now is so perfectly indescribable it's almost inhuman, like it doesn't exists. It's like I'm floating on the surface of some indiscernible realm of perfect wonders I can't see and the sadness I feel is... Unimaginable.
It's like my mind wants to be happy, but my heart aches for unknown force. I want to run and scream, but not move an inch and never leave the place in my mind where all is calm, but I'm shot out of this other worldly place with the pain of reality and the mind blowing sense of being watched...
You know when you start watching someone after you notice them watching you, then while watching them you notice someone else watching them too? That's how it is with me right now. Like I notice too much and say too little. I'm not afraid of just anything. I'm not afraid of any one thing or any one thought... I'm afraid of the pain...
Of Everything.
I'm afraid of the pain of losing my friends. Afraid of the pain of someone breaking my trust. Afraid of the pain of payment and solitude. Of falling and getting hurt, or getting bit, or poisoned. I may not be afraid of dying. But I am afraid of the pain of dying. Of the pain of hurting someone...
I'm Afraid Of... Myself...
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