Let Me Kiss You One Last Time.

Ever had that rollercoaster effect where you feel like you're going up and down, and side to side, and looping around and around? Then you get off and you're so unbelieveably dizzy? That's me. I feel like I've been going back and forth in my mind, trying, and failing, to make things better... The happier I feel, the more friends I see hurt. But when I feel the worst, my friends usually seem just dandy.
I don't know... Maybe I'm just crazy, but I don't think I'm imagining what I see and feel everyday. I guess I'm just not supposed to think about being happy, just to be happy. And I am, Right Now.
The movie that I saw today, Where The Wild Things Are, may not be "by the book" but it was still pretty good. I enjoyed it with my mom, sister, Jeremy, Cassie, Holly, Trevor, Tiffany, and best of all Taylor. :)

"That's Just The Dog. Don't Feed It, It'll Only Follow You Around." -Carol, The Wild Thing.

Looking For A Way To Start Again.

It suddenly feels like I'm sliding to a stop in a train car that was speeding so fast down a hill. It's like all I really cared about was how fast I was going at the time and forgot that, "Hey, wake up. You're going to stop sooner or later so your problems are still there just still at the top of the hill." So I'm starting my long trek back up to the top, where all my problems are, because all there is at the bottom of the hill is empty space. A bottomless gorge so the only way to go is back up.
I feel like I'm losing friends faster than I can find out why. Like I'm getting more problems before I can fix what I already messed up... I want to just crawl into a hole and sleep for days. The way I feel right now is so perfectly indescribable it's almost inhuman, like it doesn't exists. It's like I'm floating on the surface of some indiscernible realm of perfect wonders I can't see and the sadness I feel is... Unimaginable.
It's like my mind wants to be happy, but my heart aches for unknown force. I want to run and scream, but not move an inch and never leave the place in my mind where all is calm, but I'm shot out of this other worldly place with the pain of reality and the mind blowing sense of being watched...
You know when you start watching someone after you notice them watching you, then while watching them you notice someone else watching them too? That's how it is with me right now. Like I notice too much and say too little. I'm not afraid of just anything. I'm not afraid of any one thing or any one thought... I'm afraid of the pain...
Of Everything.
I'm afraid of the pain of losing my friends. Afraid of the pain of someone breaking my trust. Afraid of the pain of payment and solitude. Of falling and getting hurt, or getting bit, or poisoned. I may not be afraid of dying. But I am afraid of the pain of dying. Of the pain of hurting someone...

I'm Afraid Of... Myself...

Once Upon A Broke Heart, I Was Walking Alone In The Dark.

I love my best friends. I love my friends. I love my classmates. I love my acquaintances. I don't hate anyone. I say I do, but I don't. I try to be angry at people, but can't hold grudges very long. I try to pretend like nothing's wrong, but it's like I'm living a lie. I hate being this way... I hate acting like I'm something I'm just not. I'm not strong. I'm not all smiles like everyone sees. I'm not confident, and I'm not brave.
People can think I'm just this self-centered bitch who's so confident and smart with the perfect life and the perfect family, but that's not me at all. Some friends will probably disagree with me, but yeah. I am a bitch. And yes I can be self-centered. I have talked shit and I have made more mistakes and can't even correct half of them. I'm not hoping or trying to correct any at this point. I've hurt so many people and myself in the process. I've never felt more depressed in my life, but, at the same time, never appeared so happy... Only question left I guess is...

Where Do I Go From Here?

Trying To Keep The Walls From Closing In.

I can't help but feel that the world is slowly crumbling beneath my feet. That everything I stand for is being shoved by everyone I stand by. I feel so negative all the time and it's killing me... I hate the sheer feeling of helplessness that I got yesterday... I wanted so badly just to help, but I couldn't do anything but sit and watch as someone I loved broke down... Sometimes I just feel like I could do everything to help someone and it still wouldn't be enough... I feel like it never will be...
I feel like love is all I can stand for. That who I am is being questioned by who I'm becoming. People change me everyday and I can't handle it anymore... I've never been this depressed in my life and I hate it. My chest hurts and my emotions feel numb. I can't think straight or even remember what I'm doing or saying half of the time. All the little side comment jokes now piss me off and then I realize it was a joke and feel like a bitch and it just sucks.

Whatever...