I feel like I'm losing it. Slowly just slipping out of my mind. No matter how hard I fight to keep in reality; the second I close my eyes, dreams flow over my emotions. No matter how close I get to someone, I'm still so far away. No matter what I try to do, I'm still so broken...
I've tried to be in a relationship. I've tried to not be in a relationship. I've tried all I can think of. Nothing fits my lifestyle. No one, not one person I could possibly imagine could feel the pain I have and seem the life I've lived. I take other people's pain sometimes and make it my own. When they ask for help, I feel how they feel and I hurt in unison with them. And even when people seem their happiest, I can see it in their eyes. I watch day after day as people pass me and for a split second I catch their gaze and feel their pains.
I know some people will pretend they don't have any. Pretend that nothing can phase them. Act like life's just a game to be played and won, but even I know that they know it isn't true. I hate not being able to trust people. I hate believing in love. I hate believing in the goodness of everyone. Like I can't see how used I am. How people look at me, but not see me. I don't want to care, but I do. But I also care about making others feel better.
No matter how much I lack... I make up for it in heart. In the willingness to look past and go forward. I want to keep going forward and to love with everything that I have. I want everyone to see that people can have compassion. But right now I don't even know if I believe that anymore. I want to believe more than anything that people can be good. And I don't want to be discriminated for it.
I'm sick of being looked down on. I'm sick of people assuming that everything won't be okay. I'm sick of everyone thinking I won't understand, without even giving me a chance....
These Words Are My Heart And Soul.
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There is good in the world. It just is overshadowed sometimes.
ReplyDeleteI've had thoughts like these too. Don't worry. i still have them, but i'm starting to realize that there's still light in the world. and love. lots of it. just not in the forms you'd expect.
and i think we're all guilty of acting like something doesn't phase us. sometimes we should. most of the time we shouldn't.
P.S. I love you girlie, and i hope that soon when you say you're doing spectacular, you mean it