Don't Let Me Go.

One of them is sweet and gentle, another a complete mystery but understanding, and the last just fun and funny and kind. I'm slowly, slowly breaking my heart. Killing myself from the inside out. I want everything to be alright but it won't. It never will.
Homecoming was the best night ever. It was perfect. It was unique. It was everything I could imagine and more... But why? Only to wake up and face the truth. I'm a fuck up. I've been playing myself into thinking I can just not choose and I have to. It doesn't matter how cute I look or how hard I try to be happy. Honestly, I hate how I hurt these guys and myself... Saying this year has started out hard is an understatement on so many levels.
I just want to lay down and never have to get up again. To have all my problems disappear and all of my guys happy. I love them more than the world itself. Happiness and love is all that I wish them. I would never ever want anything to hurt them even though I am right now... I want to be able to keep them with me forever and ever and never have a problem... But that's impossible.

Life. Is. Impossible.

I Don't Want This Moment To Ever End.

I feel like I'm losing it. Slowly just slipping out of my mind. No matter how hard I fight to keep in reality; the second I close my eyes, dreams flow over my emotions. No matter how close I get to someone, I'm still so far away. No matter what I try to do, I'm still so broken...
I've tried to be in a relationship. I've tried to not be in a relationship. I've tried all I can think of. Nothing fits my lifestyle. No one, not one person I could possibly imagine could feel the pain I have and seem the life I've lived. I take other people's pain sometimes and make it my own. When they ask for help, I feel how they feel and I hurt in unison with them. And even when people seem their happiest, I can see it in their eyes. I watch day after day as people pass me and for a split second I catch their gaze and feel their pains.
I know some people will pretend they don't have any. Pretend that nothing can phase them. Act like life's just a game to be played and won, but even I know that they know it isn't true. I hate not being able to trust people. I hate believing in love. I hate believing in the goodness of everyone. Like I can't see how used I am. How people look at me, but not see me. I don't want to care, but I do. But I also care about making others feel better.
No matter how much I lack... I make up for it in heart. In the willingness to look past and go forward. I want to keep going forward and to love with everything that I have. I want everyone to see that people can have compassion. But right now I don't even know if I believe that anymore. I want to believe more than anything that people can be good. And I don't want to be discriminated for it.
I'm sick of being looked down on. I'm sick of people assuming that everything won't be okay. I'm sick of everyone thinking I won't understand, without even giving me a chance....

These Words Are My Heart And Soul.

You're Hiding Something Cause It's Burning In Your Eyes.

It's all my fault. I know. It's always my fault right? Chase, Matt, Casey, now Aaron. Everyone always blames me. I give up. I lose! Game over. I don't want to hurt any more people. It's literally slowly and painfully killing me. And you know what? I'm still gonna wear that fake smile everyday at school and pretend I'm alright when my world is falling from the sky. It's all downhill from here now. I'm in a 900 foot hole with no shovel and it's raining.
I wrote some nice poems about people at school today... I though they would like to read them because they're some of the people closest to my hearts. There's one for Aaron, Hayden, Daniel S., Danny D., Kyle, Nicole, Cassie, Morgan, Alex, and, believe it or not, Brittany Moore.
I'm done trying. I'm done fighting to keep my friends because I just want to be happy. I want my friends to be people I can count on. I was right though. Hayden does put things simply and honestly. Aaron is a sweet guy. Kyle can make me laugh. And Alex's views disappoint me. What more do you want from me? I want to stay friends with you guys, but if you're just going to take sides then forget it because I'll always lose. I now know that as a fact not just a statement.

I Bet You've Fallen Deeper In The Dark...

Quit Crying Your Eyes Out, Baby.

I can't stand myself. The emotions rise in fall in my heart and the tears stained into my face can only be of the heart I have that toys with the emotions of overly emotional people, such as myself but in greater scales. My mind wanders the school to the faces of the people I see five days a week almost every week for over half a year. The school year messes with my head, brings out my inner thoughts, and wrings out my emotions. I can't stand it. It's almost unbearable just thinking about it.
The music I listen to, the stories I read... They're all just part of the big misunderstanding I am. The wandering disaster that I've molded my friends to believe. The happiness? Fake. The confidence? Fake. So what's left? The story of the perfect family life? Not! Not one person can even relate to what I've been through. I would never wish someone to walk in my shoes and and see what it's like to be me.
The envious stares from girls and guys alike. The sadness in my friends. The honesty that I shove out my mouth because I don't want to owe anyone anything. I can't stand the pressure from all sides of my life. My mom, sisters, grandparents, friends... Everyone just gets to me. Everyone has a voice to be heard and I pride myself in my willingness to let people speak, but I have a voice to that is so solemn heard it almost envies the words my ears deliver to my brain. The very thing I take pride in I despise, but love.
So how is it then? That I can talk about everything to everyone and still feel so misunderstood. My pistandrophobia, or fear of faith in men, causes my irrational behavior that I so hate. The thing I hate most though I think is knowing that I have pistandrophobia and I still can't do anything about it.

So why don't you all sit down, listen to the tale I'm about to tell, hell, we don't have to trade our shoes and you don't have to walk no thousand miles in my shoes just to see what it's like to be me. I'll be you, let's trade shoes just to see what it'd be like to feel your pain, you feel mine; go inside each other's mind just to see what we'd find... -Eminem

Look At Shit Through Each Other's Eyes.

My Sweet Mistake.

Homecoming... What is Homecoming? Well... A day when girls get all dolled up and make their guys dress up nice. A day usually in late September or early October, built around a central event.
In Taylorville, that event is Football and hopefully we win this year. People get so stressed about Homecoming they forget it's not just about fancy dresses and guys in suits, or dancing and parties. It's about family coming home for reunions, or about seeing all your friends, or about getting to spend time with someone special.
Watching movies is another new hobby of mine. Recently I saw The Ugly Truth and District 9. They were both very good movies, though District 9 is not a family movie.
Also, recently I've found someone very special to me and his name is Aaron. Just something about him makes him seem different. He's unpredictable and funny, yet nervous and some may say even shy. He's quiet, but loud and friendly, but questionable. And sometimes, it seems, that with guys like him, I'll just never know.
Happiness and Sadness are just part of life. Anger and Resentment are also. The strange conbination are what make people themselves, and no one person is like another. You're only young once, why not live that way?

The Past Is Only The Future With The Lights On.

And The Night Will Go On.

Life rolls out a new set of challenges as the new school year begins. And for some, these challenges bring out the best and worst of attitudes. I haven't post a blog in over two weeks out of the busy schedule that is now my life.
6:00- Wake up, Get ready.
7:00- Leave for school
8:20- School starts
3:20- School ends
3:50- Leave school
I hardly have time between friends and homework to think, much less write down my thoughts. I wish I had more time to record because several interesting things have happened to me.
The latest was a concert, Purple Tranzam. Aaron Joseph Gosnell, Daniel Ronald Dallstream, Bj Pearce, and Channing Marsh are the members of PTZ and they rock. Between the guitars, drums, bass, and vocals, there's just enough time to hear the amazing sound they produce. They have never sounded, or looked, better than they did that night. The intense music that they cover delivers a particular sound that only their combined skills could manage.
I've known Aaron and Danny for a long time and I'm proud to call them my friends. Two best of best friends who had a dream and made a band like no other.
I may not know Bj and Channing as well as others but I know that they are so talented. Bj can play so many instruments it's amazing. Channing seems like he's just an inspiration to so many kids.
I love the band and the sound and everything about them.

I Came Here To Make You Dance Tonight. :)

Everything, Everything's Magic.

Two weeks until school. Exactly two weeks. I sign up, what, next week? Why aren't I texting many people, because, quite honestly, I don't feel like talking.

Here's what I have on my plate;
We're getting wood floors in the halls
We're getting all new carpeting for the rooms
We're painting

Which means I have to....
Clean both the rooms I share with my sisters
Help clean the house
Help clean my mom's room

Also, my grandma's supposed to take us shopping, a day for that. My sister's coming home from her college summer course and I'm going to pick her up, a day for that. I need to learn how to drive, many days for that. I'll probably need to go shopping several times at Wal-Mart. I'm absolutely fed up with people asking me why I'm not talking to them!
I may not have a job, but I do work. It's something called my family; and I actually care about them. Unlike some people who think their family sucks. I've noticed my family can be unfair and all that jazz, but at the end of the day... Family is forever. I just wish more people knew that. I'm happy where I am.
I like the quiet and the peacefulness of being alone. I guess some people can't stand to be alone, but for me, it's quite the contrary. I care about my friends and I know they want to talk to me and all... But I need time for myself and for people I want to talk to. There are certain people that I just want to talk to. Sorry, that's just how it is. I guess that's just all I have for now...

I'm A Wandering Misfortune.