You're Just My Type.

It's weird, you know? The feeling like everything's perfect, but also that nothing is... It kind of depresses me at times. I just want everyone to be happy, but I know that's impossible. It sucks because I love all of my friends and I love all that life has for us, but I can't stand the pain or pressure. Do you think we could fall in love...?

So am I still waiting for this world to stop hating? Can't find a good reason, can't find hope to believe in...

Let Me Kiss You One Last Time.

Ever had that rollercoaster effect where you feel like you're going up and down, and side to side, and looping around and around? Then you get off and you're so unbelieveably dizzy? That's me. I feel like I've been going back and forth in my mind, trying, and failing, to make things better... The happier I feel, the more friends I see hurt. But when I feel the worst, my friends usually seem just dandy.
I don't know... Maybe I'm just crazy, but I don't think I'm imagining what I see and feel everyday. I guess I'm just not supposed to think about being happy, just to be happy. And I am, Right Now.
The movie that I saw today, Where The Wild Things Are, may not be "by the book" but it was still pretty good. I enjoyed it with my mom, sister, Jeremy, Cassie, Holly, Trevor, Tiffany, and best of all Taylor. :)

"That's Just The Dog. Don't Feed It, It'll Only Follow You Around." -Carol, The Wild Thing.

Looking For A Way To Start Again.

It suddenly feels like I'm sliding to a stop in a train car that was speeding so fast down a hill. It's like all I really cared about was how fast I was going at the time and forgot that, "Hey, wake up. You're going to stop sooner or later so your problems are still there just still at the top of the hill." So I'm starting my long trek back up to the top, where all my problems are, because all there is at the bottom of the hill is empty space. A bottomless gorge so the only way to go is back up.
I feel like I'm losing friends faster than I can find out why. Like I'm getting more problems before I can fix what I already messed up... I want to just crawl into a hole and sleep for days. The way I feel right now is so perfectly indescribable it's almost inhuman, like it doesn't exists. It's like I'm floating on the surface of some indiscernible realm of perfect wonders I can't see and the sadness I feel is... Unimaginable.
It's like my mind wants to be happy, but my heart aches for unknown force. I want to run and scream, but not move an inch and never leave the place in my mind where all is calm, but I'm shot out of this other worldly place with the pain of reality and the mind blowing sense of being watched...
You know when you start watching someone after you notice them watching you, then while watching them you notice someone else watching them too? That's how it is with me right now. Like I notice too much and say too little. I'm not afraid of just anything. I'm not afraid of any one thing or any one thought... I'm afraid of the pain...
Of Everything.
I'm afraid of the pain of losing my friends. Afraid of the pain of someone breaking my trust. Afraid of the pain of payment and solitude. Of falling and getting hurt, or getting bit, or poisoned. I may not be afraid of dying. But I am afraid of the pain of dying. Of the pain of hurting someone...

I'm Afraid Of... Myself...

Once Upon A Broke Heart, I Was Walking Alone In The Dark.

I love my best friends. I love my friends. I love my classmates. I love my acquaintances. I don't hate anyone. I say I do, but I don't. I try to be angry at people, but can't hold grudges very long. I try to pretend like nothing's wrong, but it's like I'm living a lie. I hate being this way... I hate acting like I'm something I'm just not. I'm not strong. I'm not all smiles like everyone sees. I'm not confident, and I'm not brave.
People can think I'm just this self-centered bitch who's so confident and smart with the perfect life and the perfect family, but that's not me at all. Some friends will probably disagree with me, but yeah. I am a bitch. And yes I can be self-centered. I have talked shit and I have made more mistakes and can't even correct half of them. I'm not hoping or trying to correct any at this point. I've hurt so many people and myself in the process. I've never felt more depressed in my life, but, at the same time, never appeared so happy... Only question left I guess is...

Where Do I Go From Here?

Trying To Keep The Walls From Closing In.

I can't help but feel that the world is slowly crumbling beneath my feet. That everything I stand for is being shoved by everyone I stand by. I feel so negative all the time and it's killing me... I hate the sheer feeling of helplessness that I got yesterday... I wanted so badly just to help, but I couldn't do anything but sit and watch as someone I loved broke down... Sometimes I just feel like I could do everything to help someone and it still wouldn't be enough... I feel like it never will be...
I feel like love is all I can stand for. That who I am is being questioned by who I'm becoming. People change me everyday and I can't handle it anymore... I've never been this depressed in my life and I hate it. My chest hurts and my emotions feel numb. I can't think straight or even remember what I'm doing or saying half of the time. All the little side comment jokes now piss me off and then I realize it was a joke and feel like a bitch and it just sucks.

Whatever...

Don't Let Me Go.

One of them is sweet and gentle, another a complete mystery but understanding, and the last just fun and funny and kind. I'm slowly, slowly breaking my heart. Killing myself from the inside out. I want everything to be alright but it won't. It never will.
Homecoming was the best night ever. It was perfect. It was unique. It was everything I could imagine and more... But why? Only to wake up and face the truth. I'm a fuck up. I've been playing myself into thinking I can just not choose and I have to. It doesn't matter how cute I look or how hard I try to be happy. Honestly, I hate how I hurt these guys and myself... Saying this year has started out hard is an understatement on so many levels.
I just want to lay down and never have to get up again. To have all my problems disappear and all of my guys happy. I love them more than the world itself. Happiness and love is all that I wish them. I would never ever want anything to hurt them even though I am right now... I want to be able to keep them with me forever and ever and never have a problem... But that's impossible.

Life. Is. Impossible.

I Don't Want This Moment To Ever End.

I feel like I'm losing it. Slowly just slipping out of my mind. No matter how hard I fight to keep in reality; the second I close my eyes, dreams flow over my emotions. No matter how close I get to someone, I'm still so far away. No matter what I try to do, I'm still so broken...
I've tried to be in a relationship. I've tried to not be in a relationship. I've tried all I can think of. Nothing fits my lifestyle. No one, not one person I could possibly imagine could feel the pain I have and seem the life I've lived. I take other people's pain sometimes and make it my own. When they ask for help, I feel how they feel and I hurt in unison with them. And even when people seem their happiest, I can see it in their eyes. I watch day after day as people pass me and for a split second I catch their gaze and feel their pains.
I know some people will pretend they don't have any. Pretend that nothing can phase them. Act like life's just a game to be played and won, but even I know that they know it isn't true. I hate not being able to trust people. I hate believing in love. I hate believing in the goodness of everyone. Like I can't see how used I am. How people look at me, but not see me. I don't want to care, but I do. But I also care about making others feel better.
No matter how much I lack... I make up for it in heart. In the willingness to look past and go forward. I want to keep going forward and to love with everything that I have. I want everyone to see that people can have compassion. But right now I don't even know if I believe that anymore. I want to believe more than anything that people can be good. And I don't want to be discriminated for it.
I'm sick of being looked down on. I'm sick of people assuming that everything won't be okay. I'm sick of everyone thinking I won't understand, without even giving me a chance....

These Words Are My Heart And Soul.